6 meals. 24 hours. 15000 calories.

My first dinner will be Pete Miller's, you see. A medium-rare 16oz filet buttered with some cracked garlic. Fluffy but chunky mashed potatoes on the side. I will personally apply A1 steak sauce in just the right amount. The juice from the steak will seep into the bottom of the potatoes to add a little more substance to it.

The next morning I will have two breakfasts. I will wake up when I damn well please. Then I will have a bowl of Lucky Charms (buy it now mom) and then will go to Egg Harbor and get a skillet, eggs scrambled with bacon, shredded cheddar, and onions. I will have a large glass of skim milk.

From there, I move on to lunch. A double Nikki from Chuckwagon, pickles ketchup and onion. Secondsies on lunch will be a footlong Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki. Make it a meal deal with real Lay's and an orange soda.

Back to dinner. Chili's. I walk in and am immediately seated because it is a weeknight. I grab a toothpick to munch on while waiting for the food. I immediately order a drink - a Minute-Maid lemonade - and it comes almost immediately in the Chili's mug notable only in that it is devoid of any logo or marketing. I chug it down before the waitress takes orders, and by the time orders are completed it is replaced. My order is a bowl of chili with cheese. I crush in a packet of oyster crackers and save the others to nibble on plain. It's real restaurant-grade chili; not a weak vegetarian excuse, and nothing too high-falutin' or 'authentic,' and it's just what I'm looking for. The chili, unlike some soups, is never too hot when it comes out, and you can dig in right away. And through some magical chemicals, it retains right until your entree arrives. Mine is a Smoked Applewood Bacon BBQ Burger. I can barely fit a single bite in my mouth, which is incredible given I can fit my entire fist in my mouth. The bacon strips are 10 inches long, 1 inch wide, and several milimeters thick. Between the butter, mayo, and BBQ sauce, they have trouble staying on the patty. The patty itself by the way weighsed a pound after cooking. To round out the burger and perhaps provide the bacon with a little friction, I create a layer of fries. It's almost a shame to put fries spiced so ingeniously and cut so well onto a burger, but it must be done. The fries are finished after the burger. I waddle over to the exit, help myself to two more toothpicks (they have the minty taste literally imbued in them) and thank the hostess in a sincere manner as never before. I waddle across the street to the parking garage and collapse into the Avalon. Before I'm able to even exit however, I suffer a massive heart attack, my body's final rejection of the binging. It's a quick onset and I convulse slightly, then pass out. My body slumps forward, and foot hits the gas. I rocket out of the garage, break the concrete miniwall, and land in a spectacular fireball right in front of the Chili's entrance.

I love America.

(I'm gonna try to post a real update tomorrow. I'm also having my Chinese reading tendencies examined with how I parse their language that refused to invent the space.)